Dear 17 Year Old Me

I recently wrote a guest post for the fab Ashley over at avodkakindamom.com and thought I would share it over here too.  Let me know what you think.  What advice would you give to your younger self?

I'm turning 27 this year - how the hell did that happen?  So I thought I'd have a look back over the past 10 years and write a letter to me when I was 17.



Dear 17 year old Victoria,

I know you think you know it all but University at 17 is not such a great idea for you - you're just not ready yet.  The last year of school is a complete skive for a reason.  I know you have the brains to pull it off and you would have graduated no problem had other things not gotten in your way, but you're just not as mature as you think you are.  You're not old enough to drink alcohol so there is very little point in going to Freshers week; I don't think you realise quite how much of Uni life is made up by the socialising outside of lectures, usually in a pub/bar.  You will tough it out for 2 years and then you have no other choice but to pack it in, let's be honest, it was never what you wanted to do anyway.  Psychology is far too full of research methods and statistics for you, you have always been more of a language lover.  Writing is where you should be focusing your time.

It'll take you a long time to realise that though, and even sitting here now I can't say 100% that you are living your dream.  You are gradually finding your way back to writing but confidence is an issue; you will get there though, I can feel it!

Mum is right, he is an absolute waste of space but it will take you another year and a half before you realise it for yourself and by then the damage will already have been done.  Never mind, you will manage to pick yourself up and in the long run you will come out of it a stronger, better person.  And believe it or not, you have already met the man you are going to marry, I'm not going to tell you who, you'll just have to wait another 2 years to find out for yourself.  But I will say that you will be married by the time you're 22.  Your husband is an amazing man; it's not going to be an easy road but you will get there, all your struggles will just make you stronger in the end.

Please know that Mum and Dad aren't trying to be the bad guys, although they do give a good impression of it at times I'll admit.  They really do just want what's best for you.   And your little sister; she may be an absolute nightmare right now but trust me she is a blessing in disguise.  She is so incredibly protective of you and will back you to the hilt regardless of whether you are in the wrong or not.  She will surprise you time and again - blossoming into a fantastic Auntie before your very eyes, I bet you didn't see that coming!  You come from a remarkably close knit and loving family, something which you have taken for granted over the years - that isn't a bad thing, but please be aware that not every family is like yours.  Family is not always everyone elses top priority but it will always be yours.

You will have your struggles with depression and are probably in the beginning stages of that now, you just don't know the signs.  Luckily for you, Mum does recognise them and together you will work to get you out of that darkness.  It will be a long road to recovery with a few relapses along the way, you are very anti medication - this trait will never leave you but you will eventually realise that taking medication is not a sign of weakness.  Taking medication does not mean that you can't fight your own battles.  Taking medication is not lying down to depression and accepting that this will be your life.  What it means is that you are accepting that suffering from depression is not your fault, there is a chemical imbalance in your brain which is out with your control.  This will be a very difficult thing for you to do, you hate to be out of control, but you will realise that sometimes you need a little extra help - and that's okay!

Don't worry though, once you get yourself back on an even keel you do eventually manage to come off the anti depressants.  You do have the occasional blip but accepting that everyone has down days and they don't always mean that you need to get to the doctors is a key coping mechanism for you.

Please know that the next 10 years of your life, although they are difficult and filled with times where you can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel, they are also filled with so much love, laughter and fun.  You will welcome a beautiful baby boy and in true Victoria fashion that will not go to plan either but you quickly realise that what's meant to be will be and there is nothing you can do about it.  So please don't worry, you will be absolutely fine and you should be proud of the woman you have turned into, I know I am.

V x

Put on your positive pants.

I am, by nature, a procrastinator.  I put things off without ever having a proper reason to do so. "I'll do it later" I say, mañana mañana  - everything always happens tomorrow - well it would do if I ever actually did it.  On the flip side I am also the kind of person who wants things done yesterday, if I'm waiting on someone to do something for me I see absolutely no reason why it can't be done right there and then.  I have no idea how I can be two types of people at the one time, it makes literally no sense.  

I talk about being fed up with my job, not knowing what I want to do with my life but I never ever seem to do anything about it.  I've been saying that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up since I was 16.  Which is fine, and perfectly normal when you're 16 but now I'm 26 - I am a grown up - I still have no clue where I'm going in life.  For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a author/journalist - writing a book is my absolute dream -  until I had a horrific English teacher who put the fear of God in me and made me believe that I couldn't do it.  Suddenly the essays that had to be written to go along with the University applications for journalism courses were too much hassle & 'I never really wanted to do that anyway'.  I swear this is where my procrastinating days began and they haven't stopped since.  I constantly find pathetic reasons not to do things, for example, I really do want to make a go of this blog and get writing again but rarely post things because 'my photography skills are shit' or 'I don't have nice pictures to go along with my posts'.  Seeing all these other blogs with the perfect photos and witty captions makes me feel like I'm not good enough, which is ridiculous because everybody has to start somewhere, right?

So I have decided to make a conscious effort to overcome any of the stupid obstacles that I come across - most of which I put in my own way.  So what if my pictures aren't great, I'm sure I'll get better with a bit of practice.  Don't know what to write about?  Just start typing and see what happens; if it's awful so be it, at least I will have made the effort.  I really need to stop being so negative about everything, after over 10 years of being a glass half empty kinda gal it's beginning to take a toll on me and it has to stop.  It's doing no one any favours.  I find people who are always positive and see the good in the worst of situations so inspiring, I'm going to aim to be one of those people.  I'm not going to lie, it won't be easy; I've had my struggles with depression in my teens/early 20s and PND after I had Connor but I'm out the other side of that now and don't want to go back.  I think that's why I find it so hard to see the good in situations, I'm constantly thinking of any possible negative outcomes so that I'm prepared.  Some might call it my coping mechanism but it's getting to a point now that this way of dealing with things has made me the ultimate pessimist.  I don't want to be that person anymore, I want to be able to put my all into everything without holding back because of fear that it won't turn out alright.     

Stacey Leigh from Mummyandthebubbas posted a quote on Instagram the other day and it got me thinking about how I'm not a particularly upbeat person.  I commented (not something I usually do) saying that being positive was something that I struggle with and I'm so glad that I did because her reply was simple but it made total sense and led me to this point.   

'Everyone has crap days and it's okay not to feel positive all the time.  Draw a line and think about all the positive things in your life.  Each day write down one thing that you feel positive about.'

Such a straightforward idea but one that hadn't occurred to me until it was pointed out.  So this is my line.  Nothing but good, happy thoughts from here on out.  I know it won't be easy and that there will be times when I struggle but I just have to remember what I have and where I want to be.  I can't stand in my own way any longer because really the only thing stopping me doing what I want to do is me.  

xx

You can find Stacey Leigh on Instagram here she's definitely worth a follow, her feed is gorgeous and her positivity is infectious.  Thank you Stacey for taking the time to reply to my comment, you've give me the kick up the backside I needed and you don't even know it.

Little Fish Turned 2!

So.  Somewhere along the line I became the emotionally unstable mother of a 2 year old.  This realization has hit me like a ton of bricks & the night before his birthday I found myself looking through baby pictures & wondering where the hell the past 2 years had gone.

Cue a text to my husband that reads 'how are we going to have a 2 year old in the morning?' with about a million crying emojis (did I mention how emotionally unstable I was that night?!).  His answer?  'Because he was born 2 years ago?' smart arse.

Anyway, like I said it hit me all of a sudden that my baby isn't a baby anymore.  He's a walking, talking,  whirlwind of a boy - a toddler boy.  He's only going to get bigger & there's bugger all I can do about it :(.  Just a thought - if we don't celebrate his birthdays that means he can't get any older, right?

After I managed to put down the baby photos I started to focus on the positives.  No he's not a baby anymore & but now is when the adventure begins.  I made a list of my 5 favourite things about Connor at 2 to remind me that even though he's growing up (& that is heartbreaking) he really is just amazing & that will never change.

1.  I love that we can have conversations now, like proper conversations.  His understanding of words has been great for a while but it's only been over the past couple of months that his talking has followed suit.  Don't get me wrong he still has the 1 word for about 4 different things but I know what he means even if no one else does.  It's also quite handy that if I don't guess the right word first time he'll tell me 'No' & I'll run through the list of possibilities until he says 'Yeah' & only then are we allowed to continue talking!

2.  I absolutely love how much he loves learning.  He is so interested in everything & never shies away from new experiences.  He's such a clever little boy & it's amazing to watch him learning something new every single day.

3.  He is turning into such a polite, loving wee boy.  He absolutely adores animals & babies, he's so gentle with them & always wants to smother them with cuddles and kisses - cuteness overload.

4.  My favourite thing that he does at the moment is sing along to the Rihanna & Calvin Harris song - This is What You Came For.  He only knows roughly 1 word at the end of each line but what he lacks in vocabulary he more than makes up for in dance moves!  Generally it goes like this - 'Baaaaaaaaaayybeeeeeeeee' 'moooooooove'  'ooh oooh oooh ooh ooh'  you get the idea.

5  Finally, I'm just so glad that he is still happy & healthy and hopefully always will be.  He is a great sleeper & eater and we are incredibly lucky that so far this has never changed (touch wood).

It's amazing to think that 2 years ago I was handed a baby & had absolutely no clue what the hell I was supposed to do with him.  But here we are 2 birthdays later, still standing & actually, we're doing alright!

xx