I've seen a number of posts over the past few days about 'Mum Guilt' and if you're a Mum then you'll know exactly what that is. One particular post talked about gender disappointment which is a term that I hadn't really heard of before but it made me think about what happened to David & I. So I thought I would share our story.
I found out I was pregnant on the 9th January 2014, it was still really early days - I'm talking 4 weeks maximum but we were over the moon & couldn't wait to start telling people. We were due on the 18th September - it couldn't come quick enough.
Now, I'd always known which hospital I wanted to have our children in, there are 3 in our area. The one I'd chosen was only built in 2011, it still had that 'new' look and the icing on the cake - free parking. The only downfall with it was that they didn't tell you the sex of your unborn child. Signs were posted all over the ultrasound waiting room; 'WE WON'T TELL YOU THE SEX OF YOUR BABY, SO DON'T ASK'.
As I said earlier, it was very early days but I was convinced I was having a boy. David thought girl, as did my Mum and many other family members.
After the 20 week scan we started to talk about finding out what we were having, for no reason other than it seemed an awful long time to go without seeing the baby. We knew we would have to go private so I started to look into it. I found a place nearby that had a 25% off offer on scans and we thought why not?! I booked there and then and on the 2nd of June off we went to find out what we were having. Now, can I just say, I'm 25 week pregnant at this point. We arrive, fill out the forms - I had to sign a disclaimer saying that the scans aren't 100% accurate, basically covering their arses so we couldn't sue if they got it wrong. We go into the room, me, David, my Mum and my Dad - a proper family outing! I'd all of a sudden changed my mind, I was adamant the baby was a girl. Mum said girl & David said boy. My Dad told us that he'd seen 4 magpies together at the side of the road that morning so he just knew it was a boy.
'I obviously can't say 100% but I'm 99.9% sure you're having a girl, you can start buying pink'
Ha! We were getting a girl. Disney princesses, frilly socks; I knew exactly what to do with a girl. I was so excited. On the 16th August my sister and my best friend threw me a beautiful baby shower, everything was pink and girly. We had some lovely outfits for our little madam; she had pink gingham pyjamas to come home from the hospital in & a gorgeous Ted Baker sailor dress. David's sister had bought the most beautiful mustard coloured kilt & matching jacket and I couldn't wait to get it on her.
So, everything was going great, we had all our scans, appointments, I was getting fat; everything was going according to plan.
Around this time the midwife started to tell me I was measuring small and I was being sent for growth scans to check the baby - she was always fine, I was just hiding her well apparently. Fast forward 2 weeks to the 27th August, I was 36 weeks and at my midwife appointment she noticed that my blood pressure was up slightly. At 130/85 it wasn't classed as high by any means but I was a 120/80 kind of girl so it was up by my standards. She sent me home and told me not to worry. Friday came and I hadn't felt great all day. I got a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach at about 2.30pm & suddenly realised that the baby hadn't moved much all day, usually she was kicking and moving around constantly. I phoned triage and was told to drink something sugary, lie down for an hour & count the kicks. There were 3. 3! I phoned back and was asked to come in. When I arrived I was asked to pee in a cup, hooked up to monitors to check her movements and had my blood pressure taken. 190/110 - Very high. Protein in my urine, swelling in my hands and feet - it looked like I had pre-eclampsia. I was kept in overnight and given medication to try to control my blood pressure, the doctors said that it was more than likely that I'd be induced the next morning. I spent the whole night tossing and turning, trying to get my head around the fact that my baby would be here in the next couple of days. That definitely wasn't the plan - we weren't even a wee bit organised!
Saturday morning I was told my blood pressure had settled overnight so they were happy to send me home without medication, fan-bloody-tastic! I had just gotten used to the idea that we would have a baby in the next few days and now we were back to waiting. On Sunday we went to get the car seat cover and a few other bits and bobs - all pink of course. I felt awful, I'd had a headache since we'd left the hospital the day before but I put it down to all the stress. My Gran had a blood pressure monitor at home so she brought it to me and told me to check what my blood pressure was. It was back up, I can't remember the exact number but it was high. I phoned the hospital, they didn't even need to hear the numbers, all they needed to know was that I'd had a headache for 2 days, I was to go straight back in.
Sorry I just realised how long this is! Well done if you're still reading! Sunday I get back to hospital, my blood pressure is through the roof, medication does nothing to bring it down. I get induced at 7pm, I'm told that I won't be checked again until 7pm Monday night unless my waters go in the meantime and that I'd have to be 3cm dilated before they would take me to labour ward. I had cramping on and off through the night but it never came to anything, I spent the entire morning on my birthing ball, determined to make the baby move, there was no way in hell I was going to let this go on for any longer than I had to. Anything I could do to hurry it up I was going to do. My Mum, Dad and sister arrived at 7pm for visiting, by this point I was in proper pain - no more crampy feelings. I'd just been checked & the midwife said 'I'm trying to decide whether to send you round to labour ward or give you another pessary, you're 3cm'. My reply as you can imagine was something like 'you told me I had to be 3cm to go round, I've been on that ball all day, I'm going to the labour ward'. Thankfully she agreed and went to get me a bed sorted. By the time I'd walked the 2 minute journey from the ward to the labour suite I was 5cm. I had my waters broken at 9pm and the hours that followed are a complete blur. I had gas and air, after a while it wasn't enough. I got an epidural, it didn't work properly, it worked down one side for about 40mins then stopped all together. I then got Diamorphine - I'm so angry at myself for that. I said from the word go that I didn't want it, I knew it could be transferred to the baby and really didn't want that. Karma got me back though, it made me sick and afterwards I had a reaction to it which made me really itchy.
After a while of pushing they told me the baby was stuck and that they were sending me to theatre where they would try forceps but it was likely that it would be a C-section. I didn't have time to process what they were saying and before I knew it I was in theatre. I remember seeing David walking towards me wearing the gown and hat and crocs. I distinctly remember saying 'nice shoes' - don't know why that was a priority for me but hey! Thankfully forceps worked and they passed the baby up over my head to get her cleaned up. Except it wasn't a her. It definitely wasn't a her. I said to David 'That's a boy', he thinking I'm still out of it replies 'no babe, it's a girl, we're having a girl remember?'. I was adamant I'd just seen a boy so David asked the midwives 'It's a girl isn't it?', 'No, it's a boy. Were you expecting a girl?' Em YES!!
It could only have happened to us, I literally had no words.
Connor
was born on the 2nd September 2014 at 7.06am weighing 6lbs 4.5oz.
They gave him to David first and the first thing he said to our son was 'look that's your Mummy over there, getting flung about like a big coo'. How romantic?!
Then came the task of phoning everyone we knew, everyone who was waiting on this little girl to arrive & tell them change of plan it's a boy! My Mum didn't believe me, Connor was born at 7.06am and she was in the hospital at 8am to see for herself.
Afterwards I still didn't feel a thing. I did everything I was supposed to do for my beautiful baby boy, fed him, changed him, showered him in kisses and cuddles but inside there was nothing. Looking back I think it was the shock, I was expecting a girl and got a boy. What was I going to do with a boy? What to boys do? The majority of my family is girls so that's where my experience lies. Thankfully that only lasted a couple of days, I think tiredness played a big part in how I felt as well, I was totally exhausted. I was in and out of hospital the week after Connor was born as my blood pressure wouldn't settle so none of that helped. David however, was in his element obviously as was my Dad - after me and my sister he finally had his boy!
The week after Connor was born my best friend and her Mum were visiting and her Mum happened to mention an article she'd read where people had been told they were having one sex but had the other and they grieved for a 'lost child'. At the time I rubbished this but now that I think about it, I get what they mean. If you look back to the beginning of this post it's all she and her but it ends with he and him. I talk about it as if I had a little girl but she went away and I got Connor. It's really strange and it wasn't until someone pointed it out to me that I realised I did it.
For me any story I tell about my pregnancy is about a girl, I went through months of expecting and planning for a girl so to go back and change that to a boy doesn't feel right somehow. So I do understand the 'Gender Disappointment' but I don't think I was disappointed that I had a boy, I was over the moon to have a healthy baby no matter what the sex but I was in a serious state of shock. I had a whole life planned out for our little girl and that was taken away in an instant so I suppose in a way you could say that it was some kind of grief. I did end up suffering from Post Natal Depression but that didn't kick in until Connor was around 6 months old, I think that was maybe a delayed reaction to what happened but that's a story for another day.
I just want to make one thing clear - Connor is the absolute love of my life. I don't know what I did before I had him, I don't remember life without him in it and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you if you stuck around to the end of this, please let me know if any of you have experienced anything similar I'd love to hear from you.
xx
